I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
