i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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