I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
