My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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