You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
