just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
