i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My feet surprised me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
