Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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