I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
