just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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