I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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