Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
