i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
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The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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