Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
