listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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