u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
