Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
