mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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