He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
