I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
