My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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