I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
