Yo dont text me then not text me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
