I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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