If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
