the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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