Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
