He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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