I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
