just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
