I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So much rum. So many feels.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
