There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I supernannyed him into submission
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
