The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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