life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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