Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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