The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
