I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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