his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
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The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
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If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
tell me about the eggs
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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