The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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