She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
