Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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