News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
