I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So many bounce houses so little time
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I want a musical about memes.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
