Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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