So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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