Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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