yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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