If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
