for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm always down for nudity.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
