please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
