i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
