Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
