Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
