haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
