the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
