My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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