I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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