Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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